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Monday, September 10, 2012

Tales from a Memoir -guaranteed laughs

By J.R. Wagner

Once in a while I share the stories written in a Memoir (yes, I have the legal rights to reproduce the material)

Here are a few more. -guaranteed to produce a smile if not a chuckle

Going for a Ride

On occasion, Goy helped the town undertaker after the store closed.  One night, Mr.. McLain asked Goy if he could drive the hearse to Bybery State Mental Hospital to pick up a body. When they arrived, the hospital told Goy he would have to wait a while.  The man had not died yet.  Goy Waited.  He finally died, and they put him in the hearse.  As they were driving back around midnight, they heard a voice.  It was saying, "Going for a ride." Goy looked at Mr McLain and kept driving.  By this time they were on Sweedsford Road.  Once again they heard, "Going for a ride." Goy pulled the hearse off the road.   They got out to see if the corpse was alive. In the back of the hearse was a mental patient, holding on to the rails.  Relieved it was not the corpse, they put the patient in the front seat between them, turned around, and drove him back to the hospital.  They returned to Downingtown, no longer hearing, "Going for a ride."


One summer, I went to see Matt play peewee League baseball. They asked me to be the plate umpire. I never did it before, but okay. Well, there was a tiny catcher who was about four feet tall.  I stood behind him. It went okay for a while.  Then in the third inning the pitcher threw a perfect strike and out of my mouth came, "Ball!" The fans started to boo.  The little catcher, Crissie, stood up and turned around, but before he could open his mouth, I leaned over and said, "I'll make it up." Well, I did.  The very next pitch was over both our heads, and out of my mouth came, "Strike!" The batter was out. He was really out on the previous pitch, so I thought, job well done.  Wrong. The batter started to cry. The coach was screaming, and the fans were close to riot. I was never asked to umpire again.

High School Record

I, 5'2", was on the basketball team. Not because I was good, but probably because I was fast and dogged.  The highlights of my career were being the high scorer in one game; I had 7 points. the other was fouling out in 52 seconds and being beat up after a game by the opposing team's fans.
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