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Friday, December 28, 2012

Ten most annoying Star Wars characters. Ever.

By J.R. Wagner

'Tis the season for lists -the end of the year.

Most of you are aware of my love-hate relationship with Star Wars. It WAS my childhood. So, naturally, when the prequels came out I felt as if George Lucas hit me over the head with a 2x4 -along with virtually every other fan from my generation.

Despite my disdain for the prequels, over the years I've managed to find different characters from every film annoying or irritating in their own special way. So, in the spirit of the upcoming new year, I've created a list for your enjoyment.

10. Jar Jar Binks

episodes IV, V, VI
Not much to say here except, duh! There are websites, blogs, groups dedicated to the destruction, death and or dismemberment of Jar Jar. Google 'I hate Jar Jar' if you don't believe me.

9. The Ewoks

episode VI
They're cute, fuzzy and speak a cute and fuzzy dialect so why are these little fellas on the list?  Hmm -perhaps it has to do with being cute and fuzzy. Perhaps it has to do with teddy bears managing to lead the destruction of an entire legion of imperial troops.  Two words. Sell. Out. The Ewoks sent a message to all us Star Wars fans. George Lucas cares more about getting kids to see his films than the quality of the story itself. From a business standpoint it's genius but from a fan's perspective it's a train wreck. 

8. General Grievous

episodes II, III
I know I've complained about him before so I'll be brief. They introduced Grievous when Count Dooku (probably the dumbest name in the history of film) was more than enough bad guy to go around.  Not only that, but Dooku was played by one of the greatest actors...ever. Christopher Lee. Alas, George Lucas decided he needed ANOTHER villain -completely CGI without a personality to be found. Why? Why! Why indeed.

7. R2D2

episodes I, II, III, IV, V, VI
No! Not R2D2! Yes! Our little trash can on wheels deserves to be on this list. Why?  Well, in a world of seemingly unlimited technological advancement, this little guy manages to find only one way to communicate...beeping. Beep, beep, beeeeep, said R2. (audience chuckles).  Seriously? Pathetic.  I believe R2D2 was George Lucas' first attempt at whoring his films to children.  He's got tiny little wheels (only in the prequels does he manage to find the ability to jet around from place to place...that darn CGI again) that couldn't roll over sand if they wanted to yet there he goes, rolling through the Tatooine desert.  

6. Anakin Skywalker (the child)

episode I
Nobody can honestly say they didn't find this kid annoying. The dialogue he was fed was ridiculous and he was far too perky and happy a kid to be a slave. Lucas had a perfect opportunity to build the foundation of a great bad guy simply by making this kid a bitter, hostile slave-boy.  Did he?  Nope. Little Anakin Skywalker was the happiest slave in the universe -someone all the little kids Lucas hoped to ensnare into his marketing trap could identify with. Remember, it's all about the merchandising, not the story.

5.  Shovel handed nurse droid

episode III
I will not bother looking up the name of this character. It isn't worthy of my time.  This is the droid that delivers Luke and Leia in episode III. A shovel hand? Seriously?  How many women would appreciate the implementation of that appendage during childbirth?  And their dialect? Ridiculous. Even the prop (I'm not sure this is CGI) looks like the creature designer threw together leftover pieces from Battlestar Galactica and Land of the Lost.

episode I
4. Wald

Who? Friend of boy Anakin. Possible spawn of Greedo (wait, this is episode I so since it is a prequel he may be father of Greedo...whatever) Guilt by association.

3. Poggle the Lesser

episodes II, III
I agree the name is ridiculous in and of itself but I don't think it was mentioned during the film. I really wanted to grab him by his squid-like beard and swing him in circles until I'd achieved enough centrifugal force to fling him into hyperspace. Lucas is clearly adept at creating too many characters with too little depth and PtL happens to be one of them.

2. IG-88 Assassin Droid

episode V
Assassin droid? Really? Who is this guy sneaking up on? I think the same creature designer who worked on the shovel-handed nurse droid created this gem 25 years earlier. It looks like a frappuccino machine got into a fight with a pogo stick.

1. Luke Skywalker

episodes IV, V, VI
That's right.  Luke.   He whines, he cries and he has the conviction of a bowl of soup. We can't blame the actor for creating an annoying character can we? Well, yeah. Luke personifies the traits us super-fans would consider opposite those of a Jedi knight.  Yes, we need characters with emotion, conflict and heart. If we don't believe them, what's the point of ever putting them on screen?

Go to about 6:27 in this video to watch the hissy-fit of Luke Skywalker .  Ugh.

To purchase Exiled, bid on the movie rights, hire me as a writer for the next Blade Runner film, the next Star Wars film...for updates on the soon-to-be-released novella, book 2 updates, for videos, fan art, contests and more, visit my website!

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