'Twas the Night Before Christmas -Star Wars style

 By J. R. Wagner

Twas the night before Christmas on a big metal star,

The Emperor just finished swinging well over par;

On a golf course inside the Death Star, you see,

Unexpected I'm sure to know there are three;

Stormtroopers were nestled all snug in their racks,

With visions of rebels running scared like rats;

Captain Needa in his onesie and I in my C-PAP,

Had just settled in for a brief cozy nap;

When out beyond the perimeter came a crash and a boom,

And I knew that Admiral Ozzel had showed up too soon;

Off to the bridge I strode in a mood,

To show that fool Ozzel he's about to be chewed;

The force round his throat made him sputter and cough,

Oops, too tight, oh well, time to invade Hoth;

When out of the darkened cargo bay came,

The coolest ground assault vehicle I'd name;

AT-AT I called it, General Veers, I let drive despite being mine,

Did you know he's the bad guy in Indiana Jones 1989?

Onward we trod shooting rebels left and right,

Until finally reaching the rebel base where I got to fight;

But away ran those rebels like Jawas from men,

Including that pansy Luke who I never thought I'd see again;

The Emperor was pissed at my failure that day,

I joke not when I tell you he took my dessert privileges away;

Like an empty-skulled Tusken Raider, Han Solo flew,

Into an asteroid field, that prat, so I commanded my crew;

Pursuit course of course what other course could I take,

For I knew more than my dessert privileges were at stake;

And then out of nowhere the Falcon did fly,

So I lit up his ass while sipping some chai;

Solo disappeared out of nowhere like a thin wisp of smoke,

And I knew it was time to give Needa the choke;

Bounty hunters I called, sick of being made a fool,

I accepted the price and besides they're quite cool;

There's Boba Fett whose the son of a clone,

Bossk the lizard makes everyone groan; (he smells really bad)

4-Lom the droid looks more like a stick,

But his partner Zukuss makes everyone sick; (part man, part fly)

IG88 is formidable all decked out in black,

And Dengar the turban guy seems to hold something back;

Now go, you lot, and find me that ship,

Or I'll end your lives with my killer force grip;

They went and it wasn't long until I got word,

From Boba Fett of all people -I'd always thought him a turd; 

To Cloud City, I barked in another foul mood,

Try wearing this bloody mask all the time and not being rude;

We beat Solo there, how I don't know,

Regardless I was pleased to steal the show;

I got me a Wookie, some droids and a princess, 

Han Solo got hot-dipped in Carbonite and now never minces;

Words and I'm glad because he'd never stop talking,

And I've got to get ready for Luke to start clocking;

My men in the face as he came looking for Vader,

Yes, me, but I'm ready with my pimped out light saber;

He swung and he jumped, it was cute when you think,

Then I lit him up good force-tossing a sink;

Over an insanely deep pit our fight would conclude,

I loped off his hand and then ruined his mood;

I'm Daddy, I said and he cried and I attempted to factor,

Why George Lucas couldn't find a better actor;

Oh well, done is done, Luke falls to his death, (I wished)

Back to the Star Destroyer to work on my breath;

Luke, your back, still whining, I see,

I suppose I'll see you in episode three;

Which is really episode six if that makes any sense,

I don't get it -just nod when George speaks in defense;

Of this crazy idea about three other fil-ums,

Recounting my childhood -ugh, the notion makes me want to kill 'em;

I digress, we are done, that's a wrap, it's the end,

I'm off to my ceramics class with my partner Sven;

So to all of you peons I'll say this just once,

The dark side's the best so don't be a dunce;

Twas the night before christmas...with Zombies

Twas the night before Christmas….with zombies

A disturbing holiday poem by J. R. Wagner

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Many creatures were stirring, eating two dogs and a mouse

The stockings lay strewn and bloodied by the fire

A struggle had taken place, apparently dire

The children had woken to the screams by their beds

One single thought had entered their heads

…zombies

When Mama came limping and moaning down the hall

And Papa crawled toward them having no legs at all

Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

Screams and smoke and gunfire did shatter

The window as Timmy ducked avoiding the glass

While Gina reached for her .9 allowing no dead to pass

The moon on the blood strewn across the white snow

Gave an ominous look to the situation below

When a sound cut through the eerily silent night

The thwack, thwack, thwack of chopper blades joining the fight

It landed out front raising snow like a storm

Timmy and Gina  an to the window to shout, to warn

One-by-one men ducked out beneath the deadly blades

M1’s tightly gripped as they looked through the haze

A few shots fired, several men down

the area called ‘clear’ then his foot touched the ground

The children both smiled as he lifted his hat to his head

Yes, you guessed it, Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead

As dry entrails took flight like birds fleeing from prey

The presence of Rick let the children know this would be a special day

Rather than through the front door, Grimes jumped to the roof

His .357 reporting as walkers fell with an ooph

Then, with a whoosh followed by a deafening blast

They knew Shane Walsh and his RPG had made it at last

Debris dropped down what remained of the flu

Followed by smashing and bashing from you know who

Snakeskin boots were the first to drop in

Followed by county issued pants, shirt and his gold star pin

A bundle of guns he had flung on his back

He looked like a dystopian peddler opening his pack

His eyes, dark and weary, his jaw set tight

His cheeks were striated always ready for a fight

His perfect white teeth smiled up at the kids

Unable to hide the guilt for the things that he did

He cocked his hat back revealing more of his face

Blood splatter and gore were all over the place

The children relaxed having seen it before

Grimes was a legend, a gift to help settle the score

The hilt of a dirk he held tight in his teeth

And the dust cloud from his entrance circled his head like a wreath

He was thin as a man, ever they had seen

Food can be scarce unless one is keen

He was formal and terse as he moved, shoulders set

Not believing the children already dispatched the threat

A wink of an eye and a twist of his head

Told the kids not all the walkers were dead

He spoke not a word but went right to his work

Removing the shotgun and ArmaLite AR-18 with a jerk

Cautiously stepping into sister Jennie’s small room

Then gunfire and screaming and boom, boom, boom

Rick stepped slowly back out from the fight

Clutching his side with one hand the .357 in the right

His face was pale, his eyes cold and distant

The problem, the kids knew exactly in an instant

Timmy and Gina, holding her .9

Made their way to the chopper –double time

Looking back at dust-off toward the house where Rick lay

He’d been bitten, you see, and needed to stay.

As the chopper lifted and rose past the trees

A bright star reminded the passengers, it’s Christmas eve

Merry Christmas, said Shane gripping the mesh

The kids gave an odd smile then feasted on his flesh

To my Walking Dead buddy: Iris. Merry Christmas,

Love always,

Daddy

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