I need to preface this post by saying I do not condone violence of any sort toward Justin Beiber or anyone else. I am a writer and will use my imagination as I wish -which may include imagining Justin Bieber in certain situations that could lead to his untimely demise.
Why? Because he is REALLY, REALLY irritating.
Most of you will understand. If you're the parent of a teenage girl, you will absolutely understand.
Part of me cringes at the notion of giving any of my attention to the kid with the worst hair on the planet but hey, sometimes it's necessary to go slumming if for no other reason than to blow off some steam.
So, if there were five movies I'd like to see Justin Bieber play a role in, what would they be?
1. Jaws
Role: Quint
Why?: One word hemicorporectomy. Those of you who don't have a medical background probably don't have any clue what I'm talking about so I'll throw in a definition.
Hemicorporectomy: The amputation of most of a person's body–essentially everything below the lumbar vertebrae.
How does this relate to Jaws?
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| Exhibit A |
Don't get me wrong, I don't think Mr. Bieber has the acting talent to hold a match to Robert Shaw's performance in this, one of the greatest films of all times, but I would enjoy seeing him bitten in half below the waist by a man-eating shark (on film, only...we're imagining here people!).
2. Braveheart
Role: William Wallace
Why? Drawn, hung, disemboweled, beheaded, quartered. A terrible way to go, no question and the real man William Wallace is a true hero...but we're talking about Mel Gibson (a true psycho) being played by Justin Bieber (a true ...well, you fill in the blank)
2. Braveheart
Role: William Wallace
Why? Drawn, hung, disemboweled, beheaded, quartered. A terrible way to go, no question and the real man William Wallace is a true hero...but we're talking about Mel Gibson (a true psycho) being played by Justin Bieber (a true ...well, you fill in the blank)
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| Exhibit B |
3. The Return of the King
Role: Denethor, Steward of Gondor
Why? Kicked by a horse into a funeral pyre constructed for his own son (after dousing himself with oil). He then proceeds to run at full-speed across the courtyard (a good 3-400 foot dash) before falling several thousand feet onto the Pelennor fields below. On the plus side, the character of Denethor is an arrogant fool so the trait-crossover would be an easier fit.
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Exhibit C |
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| Exhibit C-1 yup, that's him sprinting for the exit |
4. Star Wars, The Revenge of the Sith
Role: Anakin Skywalker
Why? The immolation scene. To immolate, as we all know means, to destroy by fire. When we Star Wars nerds speak of "The immolation scene" we are referring to the scene when Obi Wan has removed the limbs of Anakin Skywalker and left him for dead beside a flowing river of lava...where miraculously, after catching fire, he somehow manages to survive and become Darth Vader. This is appropriate for several reasons. First, Hayden Christensen plays a whiney, annoying, logic-defying prat during the entire movie so Bieber could fall into that role quite easily. Second, as Beiber's popularity continues to rise, there is a good chance he will take over the galaxy.
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| Exhibit D ...hot! |
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| Exhibit D-1 is anyone else afraid? |
5. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Role: Kali ritual victim
Why? The heart scene! Since it has been widely agreed upon that Justin Bieber has sold his soul to the devil we can, by extension, assume that he is also heartless. What better role to play to prove the world wrong than a man whose heart is literally ripped from his chest.
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| Exhibit E -Mola Ram 'Kali Ma Shakti de' |
Wow! Imagine the strain on Justin's tour schedule if he had to play all those roles! Poor guy! But, to the delight of the majority of society, we'd get to see him die rather horrible deaths on screen. And the best part...he wouldn't be singing!
I wonder if people thought the same about Mark Wahlberg when he was a rapping youngster. Having never seen him perform with Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, I actually enjoy the acting performances of Wahlberg. Will the same be true of Bieber? God, I hope not.
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| Wahlberg the idiot |
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| Wahlberg the actor |
On one final note, I have this highly entertaining scene where Darth Vader sings a Justin Beiber song...it really is funny, have a look!
I'd love to hear other suggestions.
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I did not click on the link to the song, I couldn't do it. It would be the first JB sing I have ever heard, I am trying very hard to simply tune him out.
ReplyDeleteBut...it's sung by Darth Vader so it's okay. Trust me!
ReplyDelete